mesmerized, sun-kissed, dusky and in tears

Life itself has its ironies - and love as well. The frustrations? finding the PERFECT LOVE at the WRONG TIME; finding the PERFECT PERSON, but that person DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY as you do; finding the PERFECT ONE, but you must remain LOYAL TO SOMEBODY; having the PERFECT LOOKS, but no one takes you SERIOUSLY; knowing someone with the PERFECT PERSONALITY, but ur bound to be JUST FRIENDS; you got the BRAINS, but got a FRAIL HEART; finding the COURAGE to fight for it, but TOO LATE and you've got SO MUCH LOVE to give, but you don't know WHERE TO START. :(
Out of these realizations, which one hit me the most? The past days gave me mixed emotions and sleepless nights. Guilt, anxiety combined with giddiness and the like which I can't explain. The reason? A person from my past whom I didn't expect to make such an impact in my whole being popped out of nowhere. I was blinded and mesmerized by this total stranger, whom I thought would sweep me off my feet.
We met a few years back in college, sparing the 10 year gap. I enjoy the thrill of being "babied", and the way he would submit to my brattiness. He unfolded the real world right before my eyes, which I never experienced with the more significant men in my life. That thrill, however didn't last that long for the fact that it's really not meant to be. I couldn't contain the feeling of taking the back seat all the time, and I don't want to settle for second best.
After college, we've been seeing each other still, but not in a regular basis for obvious reasons. We continued hanging out together discreetly and the like. After I decided to go somewhere else for work, I never heard about him. The last time we met was two years ago (if I'm not mistaken), and what was that? An hour or two of bliss. After that? Gone.
Now, 2 years have passed and an unexpected thing happened. I came across him through YM, and I allowed my heart to be unguarded again. We both missed the old times and the good company we shared. And all of a sudden, my heart fluitterd when he asked if given the right circumstances, would I have liked him? I never answered right away for the fear of being laughed at but instead, throwed the question back to him. His reply? A big YES, but again, it REALLY wasn't meant to be. That question gave me so much hope and that's when the giddiness sank in.
The succeeding days gave me a different kind of excitement. God truly blessed me with friends who were there to pray for me; to get out of that situation before things get worse. True, I took their advice seriously, but I guess not by heart. I've been transformed into a self-seeking individual who is head-over-heels-in-love-slash-like with that guy who isn't that "likeable" at all. He is the ONLY exemption to my Buddha-like rule. Then again, I was blinded with the reality. I felt I was sun-kissed, with him, being my sun who brightens up my blue days.
After 2 weeks, the NIGHT has come. I begged off from Service for the reason, "Boylet muna bago Bayan". It was actually a last minute decision, and O'm blessed again to have 2 angels who tagged along. In our most decent-looking outfit, we headed to the central part of Manila. Of course, I really wanted to look at my best, so I was quite conscious the whole time. When we arrived, we found out that he was still in the meeting in preparation for an 18-day training in the Land of the Cherry Blossoms.
It took us quite sometime at the restaurant before finally meeting up with him. My friends and I had our share of tummyaches caused by the Laughing Gas. I knew a lot about him, and what made me like him more was his wit and charism. Of course, not to forget our entwined fingers and locked hands under the table. Sigh! It gave me a moment of bliss, as if my world stopped. We agreed to see each other as soon as he gets back. That was truly an enchanting night, and not realizing of what things will come my way.
A day before hos scheduled arrival, things were falling in its right place and I've seen the reality right before my eyes. With my techie skills intended for stalking, I was able to view the social network page of the ONE. Tears dripped like raindrops as I browsed through the pictures one by one. I couldn't help but feel sorry for allowing myself to be in this situation. With a little help from my friend, 2 bottles of SML, 2 sticks of pork barbecue and a platter of hungarian sausage with fries, I cried out my sentiments and wishing all of these never happened. And I have finally decided to all it quits.
The next day, we texted and he told me that we can't make it because of some unavoidable reasons. I laid my cards, asking if we can just be plain friends because of guilt that I'm going through. He agreed to that and I was just glad to hear such from him.
The next four nights were like hell for me. I cried every night; hanging on for that moment that maybe - just maybe, things can still go my way. I kept my promise to God, and I truly surrendered him to Him. Yes, it was hard, but I believe that I deserve someone better- someone that I can call MINE. I also believe that this is all part of growing up. The pains that I've been to are essential tools for me to become a better person. I did not regret going through this, for I know Mr. Right will surely come in God's Perfect Time. He just gave me a moment of bliss and a lot of memories that are worth keeping.