mesmerized, sun-kissed, dusky and in tears

Life itself has its ironies - and love as well. The frustrations? finding the PERFECT LOVE at the WRONG TIME; finding the PERFECT PERSON, but that person DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY as you do; finding the PERFECT ONE, but you must remain LOYAL TO SOMEBODY; having the PERFECT LOOKS, but no one takes you SERIOUSLY; knowing someone with the PERFECT PERSONALITY, but ur bound to be JUST FRIENDS; you got the BRAINS, but got a FRAIL HEART; finding the COURAGE to fight for it, but TOO LATE and you've got SO MUCH LOVE to give, but you don't know WHERE TO START. :(
Out of these realizations, which one hit me the most? The past days gave me mixed emotions and sleepless nights. Guilt, anxiety combined with giddiness and the like which I can't explain. The reason? A person from my past whom I didn't expect to make such an impact in my whole being popped out of nowhere. I was blinded and mesmerized by this total stranger, whom I thought would sweep me off my feet.
We met a few years back in college, sparing the 10 year gap. I enjoy the thrill of being "babied", and the way he would submit to my brattiness. He unfolded the real world right before my eyes, which I never experienced with the more significant men in my life. That thrill, however didn't last that long for the fact that it's really not meant to be. I couldn't contain the feeling of taking the back seat all the time, and I don't want to settle for second best.
After college, we've been seeing each other still, but not in a regular basis for obvious reasons. We continued hanging out together discreetly and the like. After I decided to go somewhere else for work, I never heard about him. The last time we met was two years ago (if I'm not mistaken), and what was that? An hour or two of bliss. After that? Gone.
Now, 2 years have passed and an unexpected thing happened. I came across him through YM, and I allowed my heart to be unguarded again. We both missed the old times and the good company we shared. And all of a sudden, my heart fluitterd when he asked if given the right circumstances, would I have liked him? I never answered right away for the fear of being laughed at but instead, throwed the question back to him. His reply? A big YES, but again, it REALLY wasn't meant to be. That question gave me so much hope and that's when the giddiness sank in.
The succeeding days gave me a different kind of excitement. God truly blessed me with friends who were there to pray for me; to get out of that situation before things get worse. True, I took their advice seriously, but I guess not by heart. I've been transformed into a self-seeking individual who is head-over-heels-in-love-slash-like with that guy who isn't that "likeable" at all. He is the ONLY exemption to my Buddha-like rule. Then again, I was blinded with the reality. I felt I was sun-kissed, with him, being my sun who brightens up my blue days.
After 2 weeks, the NIGHT has come. I begged off from Service for the reason, "Boylet muna bago Bayan". It was actually a last minute decision, and O'm blessed again to have 2 angels who tagged along. In our most decent-looking outfit, we headed to the central part of Manila. Of course, I really wanted to look at my best, so I was quite conscious the whole time. When we arrived, we found out that he was still in the meeting in preparation for an 18-day training in the Land of the Cherry Blossoms.
It took us quite sometime at the restaurant before finally meeting up with him. My friends and I had our share of tummyaches caused by the Laughing Gas. I knew a lot about him, and what made me like him more was his wit and charism. Of course, not to forget our entwined fingers and locked hands under the table. Sigh! It gave me a moment of bliss, as if my world stopped. We agreed to see each other as soon as he gets back. That was truly an enchanting night, and not realizing of what things will come my way.
A day before hos scheduled arrival, things were falling in its right place and I've seen the reality right before my eyes. With my techie skills intended for stalking, I was able to view the social network page of the ONE. Tears dripped like raindrops as I browsed through the pictures one by one. I couldn't help but feel sorry for allowing myself to be in this situation. With a little help from my friend, 2 bottles of SML, 2 sticks of pork barbecue and a platter of hungarian sausage with fries, I cried out my sentiments and wishing all of these never happened. And I have finally decided to all it quits.
The next day, we texted and he told me that we can't make it because of some unavoidable reasons. I laid my cards, asking if we can just be plain friends because of guilt that I'm going through. He agreed to that and I was just glad to hear such from him.
The next four nights were like hell for me. I cried every night; hanging on for that moment that maybe - just maybe, things can still go my way. I kept my promise to God, and I truly surrendered him to Him. Yes, it was hard, but I believe that I deserve someone better- someone that I can call MINE. I also believe that this is all part of growing up. The pains that I've been to are essential tools for me to become a better person. I did not regret going through this, for I know Mr. Right will surely come in God's Perfect Time. He just gave me a moment of bliss and a lot of memories that are worth keeping.

Rainbow's World in Multiply

♥♥ the thrills of independence, coupled with a humble heart ♥♥

Dealing with the "youngest child syndrome" was quite hard. For the past 24 years of my existence, I never had a chance to experience how to live by ownself, fend for myself and basically, think about myself, and myself ALONE. And finally! I was given the green light to go and explore the real world- all by myself.

It wasn't that easy for me to make that decision. I listed the pro's and con's of living alone. I prayed, discerned, and asked for signs prior to what I've planned. Eventually, the signs were evident enough for me to make my stand. I was just SOOOO ecstatic- I have to drag along my friends to accompany me in buying my mattress, eating utensils, electric fan and the like. 2 weeks before my "scheduled voluntary eviction" (PBB ito), I was already transferring some of my stuff to my new palace (I'm a princess, remember?)

Now the day has finally come. My first night? Well, I went home quite late, for the fact that I have to buy my own fan or else I'll die of heat stroke. I had a hard time sleeping ) and the succeeding nights were simply blissful for me despite the warm weather. And the golden learnings? I learned how to fetch a pail of water (in a daily basis); I learned how to wake up early and think about what I'm going to eat in the next 3 meals; I learned the value of pakikisama; I learned how to do my laundry, and most importantly, I learned how to use my resources wisely. More golden learnings are yet to come, and I'm simply preparing for all of these.

Not everybody knows what I went through as I made my "graceful" exit (It was graceful for me, I don't know with others). But I simply thank God for giving me a humble heart to accept my faults and weaknesses. It may have resulted to my pierced heart, but there is no other way but to change and move on. I have been anticipating this to happen, and I prayed that if this day comes, I hope I am on my way to the right path. He truly gave me the desires of my heart, and even though I have grown in Spirit, it still won't be convincing enough for those I have hurt. So my stand? I don't want to be that assertive in convincing them; I'll just have to continue my mission (and to think I've got a lot of activities lined up!), for as long as I can prove to myself (not to anyone) that I made a 360○ towards renewal.

I thank God for giving me an imperfect family, whom I have grown with. I may not have experienced the kind of love that I wanted, but their imperfections truly taught me a lot. My earthly angels, who served as my second family, for their unending support and prayers, and for accepting me for who I am. Lastly, to My King, who witnessed how I stumbled, fall and stood up amidst all the trials He has given me. As a certified Princess of God, I am proud to say that I have my own story to tell, and He affirmed how special I am in spite of my weaknesses.

..I am God's very own Princess..

It has always been every little girl's dream to become a princess. The elegant dresses, embellished crown or tiara, matched with social grace and class. And not to forget, the dashing prince that would someday, sweep her off her feet. How about women my age? Well, we hate to admit it, but we somehow have this "little princess" inside us, waiting to have that feeling of being swept away or romanced.

This "little feeling" inside me awakened when I attended this year's SFC Women's Conference last April 27 at Miriam College. It was something we girls certainly look forward to. The theme basically is so "princessy"- THE PRINCESS DIARIES as what they call it. The pink kit where each princess gets, includes a personalized ID with matching hearts or floral lanyard, 3in1 coffee mix and our very own Princess Diary. The conference started with a Holy Eucharistic Celebration, followed by 4 meaningful talks, all inspired and simply made for us princesses.

It surely made a big impact on my part. I was able to feel how beautiful and captivating I am. It taught me how to accept the pains and failures that resulted to my pierced heart. Unknowingly, I learned about the 3 lies that attacks us when we are in our lowest point of our lives. I was able to renounce all these lies that I never thought existed, and I wholeheartedly allowed God to romance me in such a "princessy" manner.

I feel so blessed to have heard His message, as I meditated and communicated with Him peacefully. His words were, "You are my Precious One, My Princess. Follow what your guarded heart tells you, for soon you will receive the best gifts I have prepared for you. I am your King, your Father, and your Knight will soon claim you from me. I tell you, he will wipe off your tears, sweep you off your feet and will love you, just as how he loves me as Your Father. When you finally meet the destined Knight, you will have one of the greatest love stories ever told..I am always here for you, my beloved Princess."

The conference ended quite late, but hey! we got our very own crowns! :-) We are truly God's own princesses, and I'm proud to be one of them.

..wHaT miGhT hAvE bEeN..

Somewhere, lost in the wind
I'm watching you
Sunlight touching your hair
And I remember
Somehow, we said that we would never stray
But somehow we lost our way
Promises too often spoken
Are easily broken apart

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be
A fool wondering what might have been

Trace of forever lingering
Drawing me closer to you
A new beginning
Now I know
There is no doubt I understand
Just how fragile love can be
I can't forget
Your mem'ry found me
Now I know where I belong

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be a fool wondering
What might have been
Through every day, into the night
With only love to guide us
I'm ready to go, coz I've got to know
What might have been
Let the lovin' decide, I can't run, I can't hide

I want you to know
My heart will show that I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be, a fool wondering what might have been
I've searched everywhere, and nothing compares
When we've got love to guide us
I'm ready to go, coz I wanna know what might have been
I'm wondering what might have been
We're gonna find what might have been
Oh I wanna know what might have been

memoirs @ Baguio

Pine trees. Strawberries. Chilly breeze of air. These are only some of the things that remind us of Baguio. But other than that, it was truly a memorable experience, for it opened my eyes, and perhaps made that BLAG sound in my heart. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful family, who, in spite of their imperfections, have somehow showed support in your lowly points in life (a few perhaps). Well, it was quite odd to know that the people you least expect to listen to my crappykins, are those who are willing to lend me an ear. My tear ducts were once again overflowed with tears (sniff), making me realize how inlove I was with love. Let go, that is what my heart and mind tells me. With a little help from my friends (and family), I know I can do it. (With a long list of heartbreaking playlist- Someday, Hawak Kamay, and the like..and not to forget the classics from Martin Nievera..with everybody's best friend Saint Miguel Light and Dilis). I can afford to risk the friendship, if it is for the good. I am willing to wait, patiently..for I know, God has written a Love Story more than I could ever dream of.

..For transparency and truth..

I am a teacher. For the past 15 years that I have been with the Institution, I've always looked up to my teachers not just as second parents, but basically, as my mentors. They molded me into what I am at the present, and I will always be grateful for that. The tears, hardships, joys- all of these I experienced, and bravely surpassed.

It is expected that they should serve as role-models to us students, which means they should practice truth, equality and transparency. I just feel sad when the news broke about the UNJUST criteria and deliberation of my nephew, who's vying for the valedictory award at WVSU - Integrated Laboratory School- Elementary department. I had sleepness nights, trying to figure out how and why it happened. Inspite of the child's efforts in making it to the top, and only finding out that all of these were trash. I feel for my sister's family, for they truly worked hard for this. They even spent for my nephew's competitions at their own expense, and even representing the school's name for all his achievements. Yet, he remained humble and down-to-earth..(not even a hint of the INFAMOUS tarps, bannering infront of the school). I felt bad, not only because he did not get the much-coveted award, but because transparency did not prevail. How can they let all these padded documents pass; and even the unjust pointing system. They could have made their choices instead of giving these deserving yet voiceless pupils with much hope.

This simply reminded me of my very own experience when I also vied for a coveted award; to be the outstanding student teacher in my department during my time. I felt I was robbed of that; for the unfair and unjust selection. My co-nominee was informed about it on the week we were all having the demo with our respective classes, and she did not even had her demo with her own students. She did not even make the effort of making her own visual aids; it was OUR classmates who did it. I even had high hopes for my critic teacher assured me of that, and somehow gave me a little pat at the back. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way I expected it to be. I don't want to listen to other people's hearsay that her mother was an M.A. classmate of one of the members of the selection commitee. I felt robbed by the fact that most members of the selection commitee were my past teachers in elementary. My classmates planned for a boycott; to at least get a percentage from the classmates themselves, for they can truly testify the character of a certain candidate. Being a peace-loving person, I told them to mellow down, anyway, it's not a guarantee of one's success in life. I have finally moved on, inspite of not having any award at all (not even the Loyalty award for 15 years as a student for the Institution) I was .04 short of being a cum laude, but I think it was God's way of telling me to strive for the better. But then, I still managed to smile, with my friends and colleagues supporting me all the way. No doubt I truly enjoyed my years being with the Institution, but when it comes to academic standards, I feel sorry for these innocent students who are robbed of their own fruits of labor. It's enough for me to know that I did not deserve it, but I didn't expect that this would continue even with my own family. I just hope that these things won't happen again, even to my youngest niece who's in the fourth grade. I still do hope, and pray that those responsible will have a clear conscience and a discerning heart in making the right decisions.

..tWo wOrDs..

In a while, in a word,

Every moment now returns.

For a while, seen or heard,

How each memory softly burns.

Facing you who brings me new tomorrows,

I thank God for yesterdays,

How they led me to this very hour,

How they led me to this place...



Every touch, every smile,

You have given me in care.

Keep in heart, always I'll,

Now be treasuring everywhere.

And if life should come to just one question,

Do I hold this moment true?

No trace of sadness,

Always with gladness...

'I DO...'

(instrumental)



Now a song that speaks of now and ever,

Beckons me to someone new,

Unexpected, unexplored, unseen,

Filled with promise coming through.

In a while, in a word,

You and I forever change,

Love so clear, never blurred,

Has me feeling wondrous, strange,

And if life should come to just one question,

Do I face each moment true?

No trace of sadness, always with gladness,

'I DO...'



Never with sadness...

Always with gladness...

'I...DO....'

..3 days before Heart's Day :(..

Midnight bottle take me come with me
My memories and everything come back to me
Midnight bottle make it real what feels like make believe
So I can see a little more clearly
Like every single move you make
Kissing me so carefully
On the corners of my dreaming eyes

I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight
I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I'm with you and everything's all right if only for tonight

Got a midnight bottle drifting off into the candlelight
Where I can find you in your time
A midnight bottle I forgot how good it felt to be
In a dream just like you had me
'Coz lately I've been stumbling feels like I'm recovering
But I think it's only for tonight

I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight
I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I'm with you and everything's all right if only for tonight
If only for tonight, if only for tonight, if only for tonight

..tOrN bEtWeEn a hAbiT aNd a dReAm..

Blissful days. Dreamy eyes. Feeling of giddiness. These are just symptoms of bein "swept away"..And I'm just as thankful as anyone who are currently having this kind of feeling. It has been 2 years since I got into a relationship full of ups and downs; so I waited..and waited..and waited..And at last, he came. Well, I used to think of him as someone unreachable; wishing I EXIST in his life. After 4 months of waiting with matching indirect stares, finally, I existed. My heart truly leaped for unexplainable joy, thus the friendship started. (I'd rather skip the "kilig" moments- I'll just share it when I'm ready)..I realized that a DREAM is starting to become a REALITY..Constant talks, friendly advices and quotes and the like..He was an answered prayer. But then, just like any DREAM, I have to wake up. If not, I'd really force myself to wake up and face the fact that it can't happen, as much as I really wanted to. I don't want to think that I'll just simply let go and leave everything hanging. So might as well be better to pretend that everything's fine and be hurt down inside. Good thing, somebody's there to catch me. It might not be the person I expected, but indeed, it was someone who has been a part of me. He has been my HABIT, and this time, I'm not so sure if I should go for it or not. That question is left unanswered, and let Father Time guide me to the right path. I'm still waiting..waiting..and hoping..for better days to come.

Who is Tinkerbell?

inker Bell is the jealous pixie who glows brightest for Peter Pan. Her voice sings like a tinkling bell and a sprinkle of her pixie dust can make you fly. But this sprite can turn spiteful if she suspects that Peter's attentions are diverted to anyone but herself. It's bad enough that she has to compete with Never Land's other adoring females (the mermaids and Princess Tiger Lily), but now Peter's brought back this Wendy person from London. Tink would lay down her life for Peter, but he's too busy playing Wendy's hero to care. Somehow she'll find a way to settle the score, even if it takes eliminating the competition. Tinker Bell is described as a common fairy who mends pots and kettles, i.e. a tinker, and is often referred to simply as "Tink". Though sometimes ill-behaved and vindictive, at other times she is helpful and kind to Peter (for whom she apparently has romantic feelings). The extremes in her personality are explained in-story by the fact that a fairy's size prevents her from holding more than one feeling at a time. Tinker Bell, like other fairies in Barrie's works, can make it possible for others to fly, by sprinkling them with fairy dust. Though she couldn't speak, her actions are convincing enough to prove how dear Peter Pan is. She is an epitome of a person who gives up everything for a loved one. Here are some of her "infamous" quotes:

.."Someday you'd find your own Peter Pan. A guy who would take care of you and fly with you against the winds. But then you'd notice that his heart still belongs to Wendy"..

..When Peter Pan saw Tinkerbell again after quite sometime, he asked, "Why did you have to go away for so long?" Tinkerbell replied, "You never gave me a reason to come back. I was always there when you needed me, but I guess you never showed how important I am to your life. Now it's different and now we've changed. But I'm still smiling." Peter Pan asked her why and she said, "I myself don't know the reason. It's just that now..it's your turn to miss me."

"..And in that place bet wide awake and sleepin'..That place where we still remember dreamin'..Is where I'll love you always.."

..tHE bLuE gReEn cRaYoN..

Days before the end of the school year, I was playing around with my pupils. I was trying not to give them any clue that I'll be leaving for good. In one of our light moments, I called one girl named Carrie. She was sensitive and loving, and would always share stories with me. There was a time when I was absent, she cried so hard because she missed me (daw). So I called for her and said, "O, Carrie, promise Teacher that you won't cry on the first day of school, ha?" And she said, "Yes, teacher, I promise you that. And I'll visit you here in your classroom everyday". I asked, "what if, on that same day when you dropped by my classroom and you found out I'm no longer teaching, how will you feel?" With all honesty, she said thst she will feel very sad. I asked her what will she do to overcome her sadness. I was in awe (and touched, syempre) when she said: "I'm gonna ask my Mom to buy me a new box of crayons. I'll get the blue green crayon and I'll put it in my pocket everyday. So I will always remember you"...Her words really struck me..Hearing it from a Grade 1 kid, I'm surely gonna miss being with my Grade one babies..:-(

..HoW taTtY TeDdY cAmE tO bE..

The oldest, smallest house you can imagine was about to be knocked down. All the things that once made the house nice and cosy had been thrown outside and piled up in the front garden, from the soft springy bed the owners slept in, to the old wooden floorboards they used to walk on…

…and even, surely by some mistake, a little brown teddy bear. He was trapped amongst all the other unwanted things, and couldn’t move.

Then, one day, a very cold day, something fell from the sky…a little snowflake. It landed on the teddy bear’s little nose and then was followed by many more. He began to get cold, very cold indeed. More and more snow fell, heavier and heavier. The little bear was now so cold that his nose started turning blue…so cold that his brown fur started turning grey. He was cold, unloved and all alone in the world, and felt very, very sad.

Winter finally passed and the weather got warmer. One beautiful spring day, a little girl was playing near the old house, when she spotted the grey bear in the pile of unwanted things. He was like no other bear she had ever seen and she pulled him out from where he was trapped. She dusted him down and lifted him high in the sky to look at him. “A grey teddy bear…with a blue nose?” she thought. “How strange!” The teddy bear wanted to cry. He thought she didn’t like him and would throw him back with the other unwanted things. “But he’s lovely!” she continued and she fell completely in love with him. She ran home as fast as her little legs would carry her, to see if her Grandma could patch him up as a lot of his stuffing had fallen out, and he was very much in need of repair.

She looked on as her Grandma replaced his stuffing and patched up his holes. His stitches had started showing where the fur had worn away, but the little girl thought he looked perfect. It was all cosy and warm in the little girl’s house and the bear felt all cosy and warm in his heart. However, his nose was still blue and his fur was still grey, and they would never return to brown.

He was unique among teddy bears. The little girl gave him a great big hug. She loved him more than anything else in the world, her little grey, blue-nosed…

…Tatty Teddy...

..BeHiNd bArS..

My usual Sunday morning routine starts at 9am, eat breakfast, do some light household chores, shower, lunchtime, siesta, showbiz break while doin' my paperworks, help out in the kitchen, dinnertime, shower and pamper sessions then off to bed..But starting today, I have to bid goodbye to my usual Sunday delight, to do divine works of mercy.
Meeting place: Jollibee BF @ 8am and we were off to Bilibid Prison at Muntinlupa. I was joking around that finally, I get the chance to meet Dodong (famous Inday-Dodong tandem), complete with my Bisaya accent. I felt excited and eager how it is to be a part of the Prison Ministry. I'm so glad that members from our chapter came (Nikka, Cathy, Tin, Golly, EG, Bryan and Nicky). It was expected for us first-timers to have apprehensions and have a gist of nervousness. After quite some time (we sat and spent some time in the waiting shed), we were given the final instructions (no wallets, no cellphone rule), and we're off to the Medium Security of the Bureau of Corrections. We were asked to log-in, do the "body search/inspection" (manang, manang, huwag po..) and we went in, seeing inmates moving freely inside the compound. They brought umbrellas, offered their goodies and crafts, saying their hi's and hello's and the like. All we can do was to say hello and smile. (hehe). Upon reaching our venue, we saw the inmates- mostly from the juvenile delinquents group, clad in their white shirts (or most decent attire, at least), rubbing elbows with the SFC facilitators. It was good to see how we free people reach out to our less fortunate brothers behind bars. They were friendly and approachable; much to our surprise, they outnumbered our batch in the recently concluded CLP! We became part of the service team (writing of this Sunday's reading on Beatitudes and food and stuff...) Some of them even shared how MAPALAD they are, despite of the dark reality of being imprisoned. We also found out that most of them were supposed to be released last December. Much to their dismay because of the Jalosjos issue, it was not approved and heightened security measures were observed. They were grouped by households and went on with their sharings..I really was struck with the after-discussion sharings and testimonials..Sobrang nakakatouch..It made me realize that even in the wired walls of Bilibid, there's still hope among these people that someday, they will attain freedom. Also, (not on a justifying note ha) I realized that not everyone inside the jail are charged guilty of the crimes they committed. We appreciate the efforts they've been doing to show that there's always hope. We ended at almost 2pm, and it was such an enriching experience. When asked if I'm coming back for the next Sunday sessions, I gave a BIG yes. I am to be of service to others and for God's greater glory. 'Yan ang tatak SFC.